i would like to sit in a field and see what i could see looking up the valley towards the trees and maybe see a figure emerge from the treeline and start to run towards me getting faster and faster and going ever so fast my heart leaps in my chest the ecstacy of sunshine pulls me upwards and around again and again there is nothing left in my future because time is not real i am all moments forever and forever spinning around and around and around my body fills up with emotions i cannot keep hold of i am not a vessel i am a conduit just another transient space and it does not matter because this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

.

Because the most dangerous thing in the world of communication is not being heard.

I would say the most dangerous thing is misunderstandings.
I mean, it's one of the main things that destroys long distance relationships, amongst other things ofcourse but it's been a big factor for me. The amount of times you get pissed at eachother over a misunderstanding..

Cabin Fever.
A Hikikomori
I believe that's what I made myself into
Living my life on the screen, in the living room, in my head.
A boring and dull existence on the outside, I look inward, images that would take years to properly form on paper are kept there, safe from wear and tear.
My mind and my keyboard are the only canvases I have.
Such beautiful visions, visions of against pain and destruction, even though the lives of the characters I made are less than your normal fairytale where the princess is sheltered and the prince doesn't lose any body parts in his journey, it is a fairytale nonetheless.
All I can do is dream and hope that one day I can put my dreams on the screen how I want them to.
They already have so much life in my head, I wonder why I can't get them out.

zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom
unhelpful thoughts
around the room
is it distraught
or imminent doom
zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom
zip zip zoom

it always comes down to this.
a pack of cigarettes and a desire to roam free.
dodging shadows under a canopy of branches.
furtive glances into the windows of other realities.
half curious, half jealous but completely anonymous.
no trespass is made, nor theft undertaken.
simply a wistful desire to be invited inside.
then just as quickly, it is gone.
a whisper and a breath and then a sigh.
and backwards this tale has gone,
rewinding for the next day to come along.

freedom lived here, near the pier.

died, drunk.

monday.

Putrid flesh, stitched up and foreign skin,
I am the one made out of bits and pieces of many,
because I had no skin of my own once,
no identity, only a name, a number,
an outward face,
I am a failed project,
Even though I took so long to rebuild myself I'm still broken.
The demons inside control the strings to my thoughts, my actions, the demons outside throw everything good I have done away and call me useless, another empty stomach crying for food, another sick puppy that can't take care of itself.
When will I ever be free?

what is the the thrill
of being mentally ill
is it never knowin
what's gonna be flowin
through your mind
feel the grind
as it begins to ache
pulses that break
my concentration
i deny affiliation
with what's in my skull
thoughts tug and pull
wishing to expand
past what's been planned
no use

days go by
weeks go by
months go by
years go by
same thoughts
over and over
again and again
time to break free
i dont want to repeat
anymore

I held my weakness in my hands today.
i examined it to deduce it's function.
i have lived with my entire life, yet i still do not know it's reason.
i tasted my weakness today.
i tasted only betrayal there.
i have betrayed myself.
i do not know if i can forgive myself.

from my notebook I started

Cut away outlets
Devote to the conditioning
Almost a twisted giddiness
Proud knowing the decision will be right
Selfish self satisfaction

The illusion of peace awaits
No more worries

Melancholy stings both left and right sides
Suppress residual pains
Hide headaches with a smile
Learned from the best

Let everyone know I'm fine
Please no more worries

What will be okay?
The felt anguish is evil
Concussions cause temporary silence

Selfish calls of attention when it gets to be too much
No longer allowed
Conditioning condition conditioning
So the out reach is no longer possible
Farewells will be bid
To increase mental torture

Please give the good people the essence of content they deserve
Please tell them no more worries

Opus Null

Ich bin der große Derdiedas
das rigorose Regiment
der Ozonstengel prima Qua
der anonyme Einprozent.
Das P. P. Tit und auch die Po
Posaune ohne Mund und Loch
das große Herkulesgeschirr
der linke Fuß vom rechten Koch.

Ich bin der lange Lebenslang
der zwölfte Sinn im Eierstock
der insgesamte Augustin
im lichten Zelluloserock.

2
Er zieht aus seinem schwarzen Sarg
um Sarg um Sarg um Sarg hervor.
Er weint mit seinem Vorderteil
und wickelt sich in Trauerflor.
Halb Zauberer halb Dirigent
taktiert er ohne Alpenstock
sein grünes Ziffernblatt am Hut
und fällt von seinem Kutscherbock.

Dabei stößt er den Ghettofisch
von der möblierten Staffelei.
Sein langer Würfelstrumpf zerreißt
zweimal entzwei dreimal entdrei.

3
Er sitzt mit sich in einem Kreis.
Der Kreis sitzt mit dem eignen Leib.
Ein Sack mit einem Kamm der steht
dient ihm als Sofa und als Weib.
Der eigne Leib der eigne Sack.
Der Vonvon und die linke Haut.
Und tick und tack und tipp und topp
der eigne Leib fällt aus der Braut.

Er schwingt als Pfund aus seinem Stein
die eigne Braut im eignen Sack.
Der eigne Leib im eignen Kreis
fällt nackt als Sofa aus dem Frack.

4
Mit seiner Dampfmaschine treibt
er Hut um Hut aus seinem Hut
und stellt sie auf in Ringelreihn
wie man es mit Soldaten tut.
Dann grüßt er sie mit seinem Hut
der dreimal grüßt mit einem du.
Das traute sie vom Kakasie
ersetzt er durch das Kakadu.

Er sieht sie nicht und grüßt sie doch
er sie mit sich und läuft um sich.
Der Hüte inbegriffen sind
und deckt den Deckel ab vom Ich.

Jean Hans Arp

im watching all the lines behind the scene
not beleiving what they mean or what is seen
up on top of the world showing what i got
only to find what is in fact just mind rot

there is an island i go to in my head where i dream
i can be anything i can swim across the mighty ocean
there is no pain just feeling of serenity inside
my mind when there is no place i can hide

its been so long since i visited that special place
im feeling high on lifes honey so sweet to taste
i gotta home dont need the hate or the fear anymore
just carry on let go of the heavy load the war is over

in my life

Boobie bursting dick enhanced pill solutions to sexual frustrations because my insecurities are busting at the seems as though i'm just as inadiquite as every other i that be me.